There is a mama bear in me who gets up on her haunches, growls and charges when someone hurts one of her cubs. She came out in full force a handful of times when my mine were little, and I have since worked to keep her caged, snarling only inside my own head. She’s been riled up this week and I am reminded of my capacity for vengeance. I catch myself playing out retaliation scenarios in my head with the source of the injustice. I know from experience that this fierce protectiveness can turn very destructive. Still, putting someone in their place is a temptation I still fall into, at least in my mind. Unaware of when it starts, only noticing it under way, I stop and fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith (Hebrews 12:2). I remind myself that vengeance is His (Romans 12:19). I remind myself that He loves this person who has caused such grief. After those two thoughts, I have to pause and bow my head, giving them time to soak in and saturate my heart. I must sit with them for quite a while if they are to root and reign in me.

As I linger in this space for a few days, focused on the love and justice of God, His perfect balance of compassion and righteousness, the bear settles down. I sense a nudge toward the next step, but I don’t want to take it. I don’t want to forgive. I don’t want to forgive because I am sure it will happen again. It’s not the first time. I feel my guard start to rise as I think of the pattern. I felt safe within the goodness of God, but not when I think of this other person. Then I remember, or am reminded (Hebrews 4:12), that I have hurt people, too. And that I also, have needed forgiveness. But still, I cannot say the words. I don’t want to say them. He doesn’t want to change. He doesn’t deserve them. And then, a flash of a memory comes of a time my words deeply hurt another. This quickly humbles me and I am forced to admit, neither did I.

Once again, I fix my eyes on Jesus and find I am able to say those very difficult words: for You, Jesus, I forgive him. Lead him into Your goodness and grace. The words, when they finally come, feel right.

I resonate with Madeleine L’Engle in her book The Rock that is Higher:

Forgiveness is a gift of grace rather than an act of will. I have to be willing to forgive, but I cannot will myself to forgive. I can forgive with my mind, but forgiveness is finally a matter of the heart. And the forgiveness of the heart comes from God, not from me. My part in it is to be wiling to accept it.

Coming upon these words this week was very helpful. It is always good to find I’m not alone in my struggle to live out the love and grace of God. I trust Madeleine would not have written those words if she had not experienced their truth many times over.

Hours later I go through the whole thing again. It goes a little quicker this time. Days later, again. I know I will need to do some version of this process many times over before it becomes instinct, habit, nature (Romans 12:2). And the mama bear in me doesn’t leave; she is learning to submit. The impulses of protection and justice are actually really good. Left without the guidance of the Spirit, though, they can become self-righteous, arrogant and even abusive (James 1:19-20). And this is not a road I want to be on; it always leads to regret.

Deep change happens only when we bring truth to our human, flesh driven, impulses. It’s not that all our impulses are bad, but very often they are tainted with subtle lies that send us in dark directions. They all have to be measured against the Word, the Bread of Life, Jesus. And this not only corrects our path, it settles our heart, and frees us from the need to control. I am grateful I have tasted this freedom, for now I know something better than control. Still, it is usually a battle, a process, to get to it. Having read the scriptures referenced above many times over, they serve as guidance through the process of forgiving. The more time I spend with them, the clearer the process becomes. These words of truth have power to move me to die to my flesh and respond to the Spirit.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

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