Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.
Proverbs 25:20
Many years ago a dear friend’s father died unexpectedly. In his 50s, he was still a young man and his death was a terrible shock to her family. It hit my friend very hard and the weight of the loss and grief was heavy for almost 2 years. When we would make plans to do something I would look forward to the fun and laughter we always enjoyed together. But she was not up for fun and we would end up in a restaurant or sitting in our cars just talking. It seemed the conversation always turned to her father and her grief. It was not fun. When I would try to encourage her my words fell flat. They meant nothing to her. It was during these times that I would become aware that I just needed to sit with her and listen. I felt impatient and after a while pretty bored, but I knew somehow that just being with her in her pain was what I was supposed to be doing.
This sitting with the hurting is a lesson I have had to learn many times as a therapist. Counsel or encouragement poorly timed hinders healing. When I offer these to someone who is grieved, overwhelmed or confused before offering my presence and empathy I minimize what they are going through. It’s as though I am saying to them, “get over it”. Those who are willing to sit with people, often for a long time, in grief and sorrow are the ones who help the most. This is part of what it means to bear one another’s burdens (Gal 6:2). For it takes time to absorb and comprehend a loss or a betrayal and only after that can we digest it’s meaning.
I have seen many people blocked in their healing process because of ill-timed truth. They have been told it’s time to move on and let it go. This stalls their healing and sometimes adds to their wounds. It’s cruel to tell a person “God works all things for good” when he or she has just lost a loved one or is beginning to look at abuse memories or has found out their spouse has had an affair. It’s true, but it’s not the truth needed in the moment. I have never felt Jesus prompt or lead me to rush another through grief. In fact it’s quite the opposite, with gentleness and wisdom He seems to take all the time in the world to be with the broken. I err in going too fast not in going to slow. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve never walked out of a session and thought, “Oh dear, that was too gentle, that was too patient …”
Meet people in their struggle. Be with them in mind and heart – unhurried – and you will become a vessel in His healing work. It is this with-ness, or presence, that lightens the weight and the pain so that we can begin to live again.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18