Last week in my blog “An Agile Mind” I spoke about the impact thoughts have on feelings, the way what we think brings about a corresponding feeling. For example, if I find myself irritable when it’s time to make dinner, I know I need to pause and consider my thoughts or attitude toward this task. When I do I might discover something like: “I’m sick of chicken. I’m sick of complaints. What’s the point? I can’t make anyone happy.” To make a change, I start with a little prayer (thoughts shared with God), “Lord, thank you, that we have plenty of good food to eat. Please, enable me to bless my family with this meal and help us all to be grateful for Your provision.” That little prayer might do the trick or I might need to run those thoughts through my brain for while before the irritation is replaced with gratitude and a desire to bless. And for this new point of view to become automatic, I will need to choose these thoughts day after day until I notice they come up naturally. Sometimes, though, even with intentional thought change, certain feelings keep coming back.
Years ago I worked with a young man named Joe whose father had been an amazing mechanic, spending most Saturday afternoons under the hood of a car, whether it be his own or a friends. Though not a professional he was a darn good mechanic and Joe saw that his father was respected and appreciated. Many of those Saturday afternoons Joe was required to “help”, but when he “worked” alongside his father he was really just a gopher, getting the tool that was needed or a rag for when things got greasy. His father never explained what he was doing, never taught his son what he knew. And Joe figured out early on not to interrupt his father with “stupid questions”. After a while this became quite dull and Joe would do what he could to get out of these afternoons under the hood. Eventually the day came when His father stopped asking Joe to join him and Joe was relieved. But looking back this really bugged him. Why didn’t his father ever teach him anything? Was he “too stupid”? These questions nagged at him particularly when he was doing anything challenging. “Don’t ask stupid questions” swirled in the background of Joe’s mind when he sat confused in a college class. “You’re such an idiot” popped up lightning quick whenever he made a mistake. “I have so much self-doubt” was the complaint that brought Joe to my office.
Experiences that we have, particularly in the formative years, shape how we interpret and think about ourselves and the world around us. There is a lot more to Joe’s story then what is written above, but it’s not hard to understand that in Joe’s 10-year-old mind a logical explanation for why his father never taught him about cars was because he was “too stupid”. And that image of himself stuck and became his reason for failures and disappointments. By the time Joe was 25, “stupid” felt profoundly true, despite the fact that he had graduated from college and had a good job. This early message of “stupid” colored years of the Joe’s life. Whenever a challenge came up this old belief about himself would arise and he would have thoughts of self-doubt. The self doubt would create feelings of anxiety and despair and Joe would have a hard time engaging in what was before him.
Joe and I spent a lot of time talking about his relationship with his dad. Over time Joe saw some other possible explanations for his dad’s choices. He began to acknowledge his own strengths and talents without immediately dismissing them as not being good enough. Joe also spent time grieving the relationship he never had with his dad, who had passed away. And he forgave his dad for failing to show belief in him. All these things took time; it was a slow process. But the result was freedom from the nagging self-doubt he had lived with his whole life.
The main point I want to make here is that Joe was able to reconsider his interpretation of the experiences that had led him to conclude that he was stupid. Our beliefs are formed in response to our experiences and those beliefs direct our thought processes. Thoughts become quite ingrained when used repeatedly over many years. When we want to change those patterns we need to think the new thought or idea for an extended period of time before it becomes a pattern. This is what Romans 12:2 is talking about: “be transformed by the renewing of your mind. … ” The Greek word for renewing is anakainosis and stresses an ongoing action. In other words, keep thinking these true thoughts over and over and you will be transformed.
Joe never had the opportunity to talk to his father so he doesn’t know the reasons he did not teach him about cars. But he has been able to ask his Heavenly Father and he has had numerous moments where this Father reassured him that he is indeed wonderfully made (Psalm 139) and able, because of the gifts given and the Spirit who lives in him, to accomplish good things. We all have that. We are all able to go to God and say, “Can You help me make sense of this?” I believe He wants you to so very much. He is and He has the truth that will set your heart free to live in light and love, peace and joy.