A whisperer separates close friends.
Proverbs 16.28
Whether it’s talking about another’s failure or misfortune, recounting an unpleasant encounter, expressing dislike or hatred for someone, speaking falsehood about another, gossip has many purposes. It can be manipulative, a way to make something happen. It is sometimes vengeful or rooted in envy and jealousy. For some it is a perverse pleasure to contribute to another’s failure or misfortune. All of these are hurtful and damaging to individuals and communities. But gossip also hurts the gossiper. For some people gossip because they do not know how to truly connect with another person. They don’t know how to have real intimacy. True intimacy in relationships takes place when we reveal ourselves to one another. This includes hopes, dreams, concerns, sorrows, regrets, doubts, burdens and sins. Deep bonds of love and care develop when people can share such private thoughts, feelings and experiences and still be accepted and enjoyed.
I spent an afternoon with a group of young Christian women recently. While I enjoyed interacting with them, I also liked sitting back and listening to their conversation. I was sad to see how much they talked about TV shows. Discussion of the characters, situations and conflicts seemed unending. What really grieved me was how much they did not share about themselves or show interest in one another. It occurred to me that talking about the TV shows was a just another form of gossip and though not harmful to the ones they spoke about, quite detrimental to themselves, for it created a false sense of intimacy. They seemed to be sharing thoughts and feelings, but none were about their real lives and circumstances. Nothing true or vulnerable was revealed. No real connection happened. BUT I think they had fun. They laughed and were excited or outraged on behalf of their beloved characters. Nevertheless, what they discussed did not lead to an increased sense of safety and freedom in their fellowship. It did not help them grow in the kind of self awareness necessary for intimacy. And it did not lead to knowing one another in deeper richer ways.
With so many TV shows these days, it is very easy to spend ones life caught up in story lines and people that have nothing to do with real life. At moments this can feel so engaging. But inside all one is cultivating is emptiness and true life can’t flourish in an empty soul. When the emptiness is felt and there are no habits of real connecting, the temptation to return to gossip, whether real people gossip or TV gossip, will be strong. Gossip might feel like connection in the moment, but gossip will never create true and lasting bonds of friendship. And, like another form of false intimacy – pornography – one can develop a compulsion for, and attachment to the quick fix of gossip every time the hunger for real connection is felt.
Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.
James 1:26
This means gossip is a huge act of self sabotage in the area of relationships. We all long to be known and accepted with all the good and ugly out in the open. The whole nature of gossip makes that so unlikely to ever happen. If anything, when people gossip they exemplify just how unsafe relationships can be. So guard your heart and guard your tongue, for true life depends on it.
Lord, who may dwell in your sacred tent?
Who may live on your holy mountain? … the one who speaks the truth from their heart;
whose tongue utters no slander ..
Psalm 15:1, 2b- 3a
Other scriptures to consider: Proverbs 17:4. 17:19, 18:8, 18:21, 24:17, 25:23, 26:20-22.