Inigo Montoya: (speaking with inebriated slur) I am waiting for you, Vizzini. You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I’ll stay. I will not be moved.
Brute: But the Prince gave orders —
Inigo: — So did Vizzini — when a job went wrong, you went back to the beginning. And this is where we got the job. So it’s the beginning, and I’m staying till Vizzini comes.
The Princess Bride
If you have not seen the movie The Princess Bride you have missed out on one of life’s great delights. I am very sad for you. Very sad. Also, if you haven’t read the first two posts on “Desire” this blog may not make much sense to you. Please, go back to the beginning.
Whenever I get stuck with a client and am unsure of where to go next, I hear God remind me, “Go back to the beginning.” I know what He means. The beginning is desire, which comes up out of the depths of our hearts. What we do with our desires has a huge impact on our lives. And at the risk of over-simplifying the complex individuality of every person, I’d like to suggest three directions we tend to head with our desires:
- We pursue the fulfillment of our desires as we understand them.
- We shut down or disconnect from our desires so we won’t feel them and be disappointed.
- We entrust our desires to God with a confidence that He cares for us.
At the core of every problem and difficulty that people have brought to my office I find legitimate desires and longings. Disaster happens when we take the desires that God created us with and try on our own to fulfill them or shut them up.
I’m not sure when it started, but by college it was solidified as way of life within me: I felt acceptable, and thus lovable, when I accomplished things. When I got good grades, when I completed my list of things to do, when I fulfilled my responsibilities, I felt good about myself. When those things didn’t happen I felt shame. I felt unacceptable and therefore, unlovable. Such was the vicious cycle I lived, one day feeling great but the next horrible. God used a car accident and daily pain to disrupt my strategy for feeling ok and take away my ability to get much accomplished at all. I was in so much pain and spent so much time going to doctors that I had to take a semester off from school. That felt like failure. But it was at this time, when I was achieving absolutely nothing, that He showed me He loved me. He loved me. Not, He loved me when I ___________. He loved me right where I was whether I did anything or not (1John 4:19). It took me three years to get it. Three years to stop fretting over what I was unable to do. Three years to learn how to let His love come in.
I have met with many people who seek love by pleasing others. When they finally come to see me they are hurt and frustrated with all the takers in their lives. Their attempts to secure the love they wanted back fired and left them in relationships with people who turn to them to get, not to give. Others pursue harmonious relationships by avoiding conflict, which simply ensures a large pile of unresolved conflicts and issues (Prov 29:25) and guarantees the absence of true harmony. Some seek safety and security through a vigilance that is constantly on the lookout for danger. This creates a habit of anxiety that robs them of any chance to live in peace (Isaiah 26:3).
Others prefer a dead heart. They keep the deepest longings at bay with food, drink, entertainment and activity. Stay busy and you won’t feel much at all. But beware, if you cut off the connection to your own heart, you will wake up one day very lost and discontent. Desires are a compass for the heart and without them we tend to stray from our destiny, purpose and ability to connect deeply with others.
There is only one route to the true fulfillment of our longings and desires: a life surrendered to God (Matt 6:33). This will be the focus of my final blog in this series.
NEXT TIME: DESIRE Part 4: A Pathway to God
One more thing: I’m new to this blog writing and don’t seem to know when to let it go. And, so, even after I post, I go back a few more times to tweak. This means that for you who get an email informing you that I’ve posted a new blog, probably aren’t reading the best version. If you hit the link in your email, the purple quilty square, and go to the website, you can read the best version currently available. Who wouldn’t want that? ♥