Sorrow must be spent before joy can take its place.
Pearl S. Buck, Peony
The most common occurrence in my office is the stifling of emotion. People restrain their tears, anger, fear, doubt, frustration, loneliness. In pyschological terms, I would call this dysfunction: the lack of the healthy function of emotions. In a spiritual sense I would call this an emotional coma, a state of prolonged unconsciousness or unawareness. It is in effect, a type of separation from yourself and an absense of the fullness of life we are made for (John 10:10).
Emotion is one of the ways we are made in the image of God. And it is with emotion, mind and will that we connect with one another, worship God, delight in good things, show love. Emotion is beautiful and without it life is flat. But it can also be scary. And in regards to the holding back of emotions, I often hear people say things like: “I’m afraid if I let myself really cry, I’ll never stop.” And that makes sense because emotions, enjoyable and painful ones, do leave us feeling out of control for a bit. But I have never once seen someone let themselves really cry or speak of their anger and not eventually run dry and quiet down. In fact, most often when someone really lets the emotion come, there is a great release and a peace afterwards. It is always clear that the expression of the emotions was needed.
The suppression of emotion and self-control while having emotion are not the same thing. When I brought my daughter to her first day of preschool she was ready. Briefly tolerant of my good-bye kiss, she did not hesitate to enter into the classroom and join her new classmates. She was full of eagerness and expectation. That was not the moment for me to burst into tears and sob at the first of many separations I would face through her life. This was self control. However, as soon as I got back in my car, it most definitely was the time to let it flow (thank you tinted windows and sunglasses). Had I waited for a bit more privacy, I might have calmed down and lost access to those deep feelings. Once spent, I was ok, able to enjoy my daughter’s brave and lively spirit, but first I had to feel the loss. The loss of time with my first-born, the loss of control, the loss of seeing her experience new things. It was the beginning of her life without me and I grieved what was ending. It was necessary that I felt it in order to move on to the hope I had for my sweet girl and all she would discover. It was necessary to feel and spend the grief and the loss, if I was going to accept her having a life separate from mine.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Matthew 5:4
I loved collaborting with my friend and colleague, Deborah Vogt on this. Her insight is always a gift to me. Also, I am going to write a few more times on this topic of emotions … so, stay tuned!